How Not To Go Viral
Going Viral. It’s the aim of nearly every internet blogger. There are countless articles on the web regarding it. For those with a longer attention span, there are books, including Contagious by Wharton professor Jonah Berger. Why the interest? Well, many bloggers hope for the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But going viral is a daunting challenge. Every day there are five billion Facebook posts and over 500 million tweets.
Even if you use a popular site such as Medium, it’s tough sledding. Medium has hundreds of thousands of posts. Consider some of the topics I have written about — tango, Argentina and street dogs. Medium has some 600 posts on dancing, about 4,400 essays on Argentina and over 12,000 pieces on dogs.
Facing such an oversaturated environment, it is easy not to go viral. But I have some time tested strategies on how to send your readership into a tailspin.
1. Write about a quirky topic. Looking for proof? Well, I kicked off my dispatches from Argentina with a piece about the garbage bins of the tiny pueblo of Santa Clara de Buena Vista. Not exactly a real barn burner. It drew nearly 300 views. The next article, which was on student-run discos, had only about half as many clicks. And my numbers have been inching downward ever since.
2. Don’t include any sexy pictures. Take a look at the three below. Which one would you click?
Nothing more need be said, other than Hugh Jackman should change barbers.
3. Don’t use any big words. Medium suggests that you write at a 6th grade level to maximize your readership. So, keep a close eye on your prose. Don’t use tough words like era, insight and ovation. Or, for that matter, prose.
4. Keep your sentences short. I remember reading the opening pages of Absalom, Absalom in college. The first sentence had more that 100 words. The second sentence was longer. By the time I got to the end of it, I forgot what the first sentence was about. And take my word — people’s attention spans have not improved in the last 45 years.
4. Don’t put your dispatches on Facebook. Yes, I know that the chances of it going viral are infinitesimal. But with over a billion Facebook viewers, why take such a chance? The same goes for Twitter. (I practice what I preach. I have no Twitter or Facebook account). Planned failure can go awry; just consider Springtime for Hitler.
5. Write about your grown children and how well they are doing. Or describe at length the wondrous feats of your grandchildren. It might come as a surprise, but most people have little interest in these topics. And this applies double to your pets.
6. Don’t include any inspirational content. A case in point. In one of my pieces, I went on at length about the licensing of radio stations in Argentina. This did not exactly pull at the heartstrings.
Take it from me. I’ve used a lot of the above strategies. They’ve worked like a charm. I’m gunning for a further drop in clicks with my next post. It’s on the sidewalk tiles in Suardi. Not exactly a popular topic. But first, I got to make some changes — like tossing in some complex words, putting in a plug for my son’s biotech business and figuring out a way to add my dead dog to the piece.
